Heybabeimwearingurpanties
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
