Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
