I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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