the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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