i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
