the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Randomize
