Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
