How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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