Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
