if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
