i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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