If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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