literally had 100 drinks last night.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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