I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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