I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
