That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
