my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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