You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
