two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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