i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
