I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I would ride that face into the sunset
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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