You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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