I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
