I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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