I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
