You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
