I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
