I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
