ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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