Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
