I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
