Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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