My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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