remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
