put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
