I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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