1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
