there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
