Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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