The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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