ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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