Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
