This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
