You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
