so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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