like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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