i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
