I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
