apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
