No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
