god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
