I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My vagina just recognized that song.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
