Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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