Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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