apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
