Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
