Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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